I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
