My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
