You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
