Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
