i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
