I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
