when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
