My liver just broke up with me...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
