Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
