so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
