90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just made my gag reflex go away.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
