My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
