saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
