I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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