omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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