So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The air taste purple.
Randomize
