he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
