my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
