I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
