needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
