I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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