What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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