I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
