eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
