Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
