i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
