Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
