sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
