I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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