Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
