I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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