I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
