There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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