member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
