dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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