2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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