Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
