Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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