Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
