Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Randomize
