he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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