I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
