mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I just shit out all my problems.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
