apparently the secret to your success is patron
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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