Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
