You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So squirting runs in the family.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
