Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
