Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
