Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it because I queefed?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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