Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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