there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You took a bar mat shot.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
