I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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