i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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