Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
