Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
